Wednesday, March 18, 2009

DJ Killface's Resident Evil 5 Review

Dear Von Kaiser and Vanilla Assassin,

I write this letter amidst a pool of unrecognizable muck and a whole pile of burning shells. Am I at war? Yes. Am I scared? Maybe a little. Am I having fun? You bet your pocket-sized dog I am. I’m also shooting at African natives in Africa, but this is no genocide…no, this is a bloodbath of African non-zombies. My partner is Sheva and before you accuse me of being racist. She’s from Africa too.

What I’m talking about of course is Resident Evil 5. I giggled with anticipation as I ripped the plastic covering off the case. It gave me the same high that I get from opening that little blue box from Tiffany’s Co. But the present inside, was more precious than any Tiffany jewel. It was blood. It was guts. This was bliss.

Just kidding! This is like, the WORST African vacation game EVER. There are like, these awful people all over the place and it seems as though they only thing they do is like drool or something. Is this what it’s like in Africa? They’re totally just like, these people with a poor fashion sense and poor hygiene habits. If I was there, I’d totally tell them to take a bath or something, but all I can do is shoot at them. I can’t even spray them with perfume. It’s totally stupid and all they leave is this bubbling mess. I totally got this game thinking that was like, about going a tour of the African savannah with like, my gal pal Sheva. I mean c’mon, she’s got a weird name, this was totally supposed to make me worldly and stuff. My boyfriend keeps telling me that like, I need to get out and see the world, but I don’t think I wanna see it anymore. Everything is like..so UGLY. I wish everything looked like a mall. OMG. There aren’t ANY malls!! What is wrong with these people?! No wonder they all look so bad.

Anyway, the game play in this is varied and isn’t limited to just shooting. There are things you need to push, levers you need to pull, mirrors you need to shift… you get the point. The graphics also deliver and still give the authentic resident evil creep factor even though sometimes you’re in broad daylight. It’s also great to see a game that really plays into its co-op aspect, but doesn’t leave you hanging if you’re playing alone because you have friends or something. I wasn’t too thrilled about not being able to run and shoot at the same time, but you get used to that pretty quick. However, the melee attacks you are able to perform are pretty freakin’ awesome and really make you feel like you’re kicking butt, while saving on ammo. Those are just some of the things that I currently love about the game. I haven’t yet finished it, but I’m sure it’ll deliver. Also, on a fun note, look out for some familiar critters that will make an appearance in this version of the game.

XOXO,

DJ Killface

P.S. Did I like, ever tell you I had personality disorder? My boyfriend totally thinks it’s hot. Although sometimes I like, think he likes the other me more…*sob*

2 comments:

Von Kaiser said...

"This is like, the WORST African vacation game EVER. "

lol

Von Kaiser said...

"This is like, the WORST African vacation game EVER. "

lol